urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear lindsey lindsey 2009-12-13T00:12:15Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:6843 2009-12-13T00:12:15Z 2009-12-13T00:12:15Z <span style="font-size: large;">Dear Journal,<br /><span style="font-size: larger;"><span style="font-size: small;">Okay. It's been a while since I last wrote. Dusty is a liar, and I should've seen it coming all along. He broke up with me for another girl, named Autumn. She's in ROTC with him. Sound familier? Like maybe... Last year? With Patrick and Katie? <strong>Bingo! </strong>Dusty did the same exact thing, except he wasn't as coy, and heartless. Dusty completely turned me into the enemy. I'm the victim, but no, he sees otherwise. I tryed to apologize, for whatever I did to him, but all he did was cuss me out about something I didn't do. Oddly, I can't stop thinking about him... I miss what we used to have. I cry alot now. I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. In the meantime.. <strong>Patrick </strong>is back in my life now... Yeah, I thought I was over him too, but apparently not. I still know I'll never be with him, but he helps cover up the pain from Dusty. It's weird. I'd rather keep falling for Patrick, than Dusty. I can control it with Patrick. I'm not making any sense am I? I dunno... I'm just lost.</span></span></span> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:6580 2009-11-18T00:23:32Z 2009-11-18T00:23:32Z <span style="font-size: medium;">Dear Journal,<span style="font-size: larger;"><br /><span style="font-size: small;">I feel like complete, and utter <strong>crap!</strong> Why? The love of my life... Broke up with me. :O <br />He did it yesterday, and I'm so hurt. He says theirs too much crap going on right now, and he can't handle a relationship. He said he still <em>loved </em>me though. I doubt it. He fell out of love ever since that huge fight we had. <strong>I'm so stupid!</strong> I should have sucked it up, and dealt with him going to the game. He would have talked to me through the whole thing. <br />What makes it even worse is.... He's laughing, and having a good time with everyone, and don't even care that we broke up:'(<br />What kind of heartless cold person would act that way? <br />I just wish he would tell me that he made a <strong>huge </strong>mistake, and come back... But he made a good choice. I'm not the right one for him, and he doesn't even miss me.<br />We'll probably never go back out, because he'll find someone, who treats him alot better. <br />It's killing me to say all of this, but.... The glass isn't full this time, it's empty, and dry.</span><br /></span></span> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:6273 2009-11-11T23:13:51Z 2009-11-11T23:13:51Z <span style="font-size: medium;">Dear Journal,<br /><span style="font-size: small;">So, Dusty's phone charger broke, and I haven't heard from him all day. I talked to him yesterday, but only for an 1 hour, and 30 minutes. All we did was fight:( I told him how he was acting weird, and he just ignored me. I'm trying my hardest to be the <em>perfect</em> girlfriend for him, but it's hard when he acts like he doesn't care:/ this weekend he's suppose to come over, if he doesn't, then I don't know what I'm gonna do. I <strong>need</strong> to see him...I've thought about <em>breakup</em>, but I'm working super hard to not go there. It's like he doesn't even wanna try. This week I have cried, and cried, about him. I <strong>finally </strong>find someone to replace Patrick, and I still get burned:( I mean WTF? When will I ever get a guy that truly loves me? All I know is that I'm in love with Dusty, and <u>I'm gonna try damn hard to make this work.</u> I can't do it without him. Well, for now, I get another vacation away from Dusty.<br /><br />Your's truly,<br />Lindsey Boothe:)</span><br /></span><br /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:6021 2009-11-05T00:31:22Z 2009-11-05T00:31:22Z <span style="font-size: medium;">Hi there,<br /><span style="font-size: small;">It's been a while since I've written. Jonathan? Well, he didn't work out.<br />I've been with Dusty Kevin Maloy for 2 months tomorrow (:<br />He <em>is</em> that guy that people told me I'd find. He helped me get over Patrick too. I haven't talked to him, in like 3 or 4 months.<br />I've made alot of progress (:<br />But, I do have some issues going on. Not all relationships are perfect <strong>all </strong>the time.<br /><u><strong>I feel like me, and Dust's relationship is crumbling.</strong></u> D:<br />Didn't see that coming, huh? <br />We had this <strong>huge</strong> fight about...a week ago, and I think it's affected the both of us.<br />I've been upset over it, and he's been acting verrry distant. + when I try to talk to him about it, he tries to change the subject.<br />I'm suuuure, in relationships, your <strong>not</strong> suppose to do that.<br />I guess I'm stuck. I'm not gonna break-up with him, no. <br />I'm just gonna wait it out.....<br />If it ever goes away &lt;.&lt;<br /><br /><br />&lt;3Lindsey</span><br /></span><br /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:5761 2009-08-09T19:53:53Z 2009-08-09T19:53:53Z Well, I'm going out with Tori's cousin. <em>Johnathan.</em> I am deff falling in love with him. <br />I have a problem though. We go to different schools. I barely get to see him.. <strong>Except</strong> for church, his church. I'm scared to go. Its stupid, but I'm nervous.. I don't know anyone there besides him. I'm just scared.. I really wanna go though ^.^<br />I should really conquer my fear &amp;&amp; get over it. I guess I'm just chicken?? What am I scared of??<br />Its simple. I just walk in &amp;&amp; meet him. I guess the whole.. All the people staring at me.. Who cares?? I've done this before!! Lol. Maybe I can do this. Psh. I know I can ^.^<br /><br /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:5568 2009-07-15T21:44:05Z 2009-07-15T22:07:36Z Umm.. I have a problem. The same one I've been struggling with for almost a year now. <strong>Patrick</strong>. He's back into my life again.<br />He called me when he was drunk.. lets just say he has planted the same ole crap in my head.. <strong>again</strong>. <br />Yet.. he dosen't wanna be with me, which is the one thing that I want most v.v<br /><em>Katie</em> is back.. *JoY* <span style="font-weight: bold;">I hate her!&nbsp;</span>She should just die &gt;.&lt; <strong>but</strong> if she dose Patrick will be crushed v.v *UgH*<br />Weell.. the thing with Levi didn't work out &amp; yes I dated him.. <strong>big mistake?</strong> I'm not quite sure yet. He is kindof a lesson learned.<br />When I was with him, he made me forget all about <em>Patrick</em> so.. I kinda miss him &lt;.&lt; <br />He broke up with me for someone else *ShOcKeR* I saw it coming <strong>wayy</strong> before anyone else did v.v<br />Kinda sucks how you can predict things such as that v.v <br />Sooo... I guess I'm back where I started from. Loving Patrick &amp; dealing with this horrible fate I was handed.. when will the sadness end? Idk.<br />I'm hoping my new haircut will make things different?? Probably <strong>NOT</strong>.. at least I can dream tho :3<br />I'm also tired of <strong>Tori</strong> getting all the attention. Its like &quot;<strong>hello? I'm here to!</strong>&quot; even tho I like being invisable.. at this instant.. it bugs me &gt;.&lt;<br />Ohh well.. I'll just <strong>deal!</strong> <br /><br />-Lindz<br /><br /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:5325 2009-06-15T10:43:42Z 2009-06-15T10:43:42Z I started thinking about it &amp; I realized that I haven't stopped writing in this journal yet. I usually don't keep a livejournal account fo this long. Its shocking o.o. Well, after my month of suicidal thoughts &amp; depression I finally realized that I don't need Patrick Mckinley in my life at all. Yes, folks, I DON'T NEED PATRICK MCKINLEY IN MY LIFE! Its a miracle how I finally figured it out after so long. Who knew a near death experiance could do that to a person &lt;.&lt;. So...I'm staying single for a while. I'm still waiting for my true love to come &amp; apparently he hasn't made it on his white horse yet *giggles* but I feel he'll be here soon. I met this guy today; Levi Smith is his name. I'm hoping I might get to talk to him tomorrow. My ex Steven let him text me off his phone &amp; Levi is kinda maybe what I've been looking for ^.^ buuut I'm really not sure if I even like him yet. I'm taking everything very slow, so I'm not getting my hopes up at all. Even though it would be nice to have -someone- to help the loneliness n.n. There is really only One test to prove that he -might- be the &quot;one&quot;. If he says he likes everything in music, then we might have a winner ^^ buuut I'm not getting my hopes up, because they get shot down, every single time v.v so I'm being cautious with my feelings. On the plus side, I might get to see Tori soon ^.^ I almost got to see her today BUT my stupid Mother wouldn't let me! -.- ugh that woman can be such a b!@#*! Heh heh excuse the language please ^^. In my times of sorrow I've gotten very close to Mallory. I never realized what a good friend she was until I started talking to her again ^^. Well....? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:4910 2009-05-30T05:15:24Z 2009-05-30T05:15:24Z Kelly Clarkson - Never Again Well, i hate the past. So much. I wish i had no past with patrick, but i'm not that lucky. I still cry about that boy &amp; its been 9 months. I had a dream about him &amp; katie last night. The main reason i hate sleep. I just wish i could get over him by now..i just wish i could forget him. I was reading old messages i used to send him &amp; it broke my heart..i hate the past. 2008 was a horrible year for me. Now i'm waiting for my true love to get here..i wish for him every night(: he's the only thing i look forward to..even though i don't know who he is lol. I just wish i get my happy ending &amp; my heart fixed &amp; another thing to write about on this thing. I'm probably gonna get in deep shit with my friend &amp; her ex. I'm kinda falling for her ex &amp; its not good. I know he isn't the one...i just hope the one comes soon(: urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:4622 2009-05-23T00:21:06Z 2009-05-23T00:21:06Z Secondhand Serenade - Your Call <br />Well, today, like another other day. I've been thinking about patrick &gt;.&lt; I know someone is telling me to shut up out there. I just can't help it. At least i'm not as bad as I used to be. Ever since him, its hard to fall in love with someone. I've tried, but it just dosen't work. He still has my heart, with no intention of letting go, no'matter how bad I want him to. I know he dosen't know he has it. I think its glued to him. I just wish I will fond that <em>someone </em>to replace him. They say it isn't hard, but to me, its like expert mode v.v I'm not talking to ronnie or planning on it for any matter. He is a horrible person &amp;&amp; I don't know why I didn't see that in the beginning. Well, my summer is screwed up, because tori got caught with her forbidden love. I won't get to see her until school starts back *Joys*. I'm trying to help her &quot;love&quot; through this, because he is wayy more upset than I imagine she is &lt;.&lt; hate to say it. I get where he is coming from I guess, since patrick. I really wish patrick was the one i'm supposed to be with. I guess fate has something better in store for me. I just hope it or he, comes soon. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:4402 2009-05-16T21:24:48Z 2009-05-16T21:24:48Z I haven't written in a while. Alot has happend. Did i mention i broke up with ronnie? Long story. I found my long lost crush. Ben. I kinda have been searching for him for quite a while, but he moved. Now he's moving back(: Destiny? Maybe. Ok.. My weight thing? I wanna diet. Bad. But how can i with all this food.. Idk what my weight is. My scale is broke. Help! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:4283 2009-03-29T03:14:55Z 2009-03-29T03:14:55Z Unbreakable - Fireflight I'm back with ronnie :) It was a good choice i think. I tried going without him but it just didn't work.. I stayed upset. Eventually my feelings came back. I saw some pictures of patrick the other day.. With katie. He seems happy with her. If i only i could've made him that happy. I'm also doing good im my not eating meat plan :D I'm really dedicated to this. I'm glad&nbsp;people&nbsp;are respecting my descion :) Ehh.. The bad thing of all of this. I have a little crush on a guy who goes to my church. He is really cute :D But wayy out of my league. He dates blonde rich girls. He is just so perfect though. He's in the band &quot;black decmber&quot;. Its hard to let it go. But whatever. I can't live without ronnie. So it will go away soon. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:4060 2009-03-26T23:02:02Z 2009-03-26T23:02:02Z Mad - Ne-Yo Today was maybe the worst day EVER &lt;.&lt; I broke up with ronnie.. And its hitting me really hard right now v.v I just don't love him anymore like i used to.. I guess i'm just scared of being alone &gt;.&lt; Ehh.. Patrick han't texted me in a few days.. I think he has to be sent to camden -Again- But this time i think it's because of his mom &lt;.&lt; He told me a bunch of things he got into.. The poor boy is trouble. Why am i so afraid of losing ronnie?? If i don't even love him.. I guess i'm just scared of being alone. There is this guy named bates ^^ He's so cute (: Last night he was really checkin me out ;) I loved it. My friend amy said i should stay away from him.. But i don't want to &lt;.&lt; The music was playing and my heart just sunk :DD But i will probably never have a chance with him.. I should hang that up &gt;.&lt; Oh well urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:3623 2009-03-09T00:39:46Z 2009-03-09T00:39:46Z Two become one - Atreyu Today was actually a good day ^^ Even though i had to go to church &lt;.&lt; But other than that it was alright. Yesterday was the best day of my entire 2009, i got to spend the whole day with ronnie, and i meet some really awesome people ^^ The only downside was.. I saw katie *Sighs* Yea, the &quot;highlight&quot; of my day, but it was kinda funny when marcos threw that crushed mountain dew can at her *Giggles* poor kid. Patrick hasn't changed a bit since november besides the fact he let himself go &lt;.&lt; He gained more weight, and his head is shaved again *Ewws* very ugly sight &gt;.&lt; Thankfully he wasn't there the entire time i was, even though i didn't mind the attention of him staring at me lolz :p Ugh! Amy is having more problems with louis -Again- it's getting on my nerves because he dosen't care about her v.v I just wish she could see that &lt;.&lt; Well, now i know im in love with ronnie because of our magical day together ^^ loved it! At first it felt like he was smothering me, but now i feel really special :D I was just never used to that much attention.. I mean patrick -Never- did that kinda stuff in public, so i felt like i mattered :3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:3426 2009-03-02T03:40:00Z 2009-03-02T03:42:26Z how you remind me - nickelback ok, i need to vent. well today was.. ok i guess. actually pretty good :) i went to church *shocker* it wasn't that bad, the food was horrible though lol. i just found out that my boyfriend, if he gets to drive, will be coming to my church *yays* well not exactly &lt;.&lt; i can't explain. idk whats wrong with me, i should be happy, but im not. it feels like everything is movin too fast. its like a flash back from the patrick thing &gt;.&lt; just what i needed, patrick to make an impression on my sucky life &lt;.&lt; he's in town.. once again.. *joy!* &gt;.&lt; he's come to see his true love &quot;katie&quot; that name makes me cringe, even now, when im supposed to be done with that crap.. it comes back. am i still in love with patrick mckinley? the truth.. idk.. he was my first everything, now he's my first &quot;nothing at all&quot; sucks how things work out this way.. just sucks. sometimes.. idk.. i wish i could talk to him as a friend, he gives good advice, he's not all bad.. or is he? *wakes up* what am i saying!? i must be crazy to think that he could actually do me any good.. maybe there's a chance? NO!&nbsp;besides.. he hates me.. no doubt. other than that. me and ronnie are doing pretty well, besides the fact that everything is moving life 90 miles per hour.. yea, that fast. oh great! now my friend amy is drifting to the &quot;dark side&quot; as i like to call it. being frineds with pat and courtney again.. great for her. even though i vent.. i still feel things inside of me that are going wrong. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!? <br /><br /><br />love<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; lindsey urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:3086 2009-02-22T01:24:18Z 2009-02-22T01:24:18Z well, things have really changed since the last time i wrote /: but yet the story stays the same.. im with someone new :) he is really amazing, the only thing is.. i keep thinking about patrick v.v idk why.. he just comes up in everything i do.. i thought i was finally over him &lt;.&lt; i mean.. i have no desire to be with him.. its just the memorys &lt;.&lt; it made me depressed today :( but im getting better :) patrick screwed up my year but he IS NOT GOING TO RUIN MY RELATIONSHIP! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:2820 2008-12-08T15:38:25Z 2008-12-08T15:38:25Z out of control - hoobastank god i want to go back to sleep but everytime i close my eyes i see your face..what does this mean? i just wish it would go away..i really want to move on and get over you..im tryin my best but something tells me im not tryin hard enough&lt;.&lt; i have a crush on a guy named matt he is soo cute! and single;) i really like him even though i only know him through myspace lol i really really like him&lt;33 i just hope i don't get smashed lol.well last night pat and kate went to church and when i found out about i just lost it! i hate hearing about them being together:S it makes me sad..i don't want to be though..he still won't text me back:( i don't really care anymore he can do what he wants:P i just wish he would get out of my head urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:2744 2008-12-05T02:15:41Z 2008-12-05T02:15:41Z today was no better than any other day ive had..im even more depressed than before:( but im tryin to pull through the best way i can without cracking..i haven't talked to patrick since monday and its partially killing me inside..even though he's a horrible person i love him..im not in love anymore i just love him..im tryin to choke those feelins down but they keep comin back..he's back in town and its like i can see him everywhere..V.V its not cool urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:2523 2008-12-04T00:07:13Z 2008-12-04T00:07:13Z well,today was a good day..at first it was a lil rocky but then after i wrote my feeelings down i seemed to feel alot better:) but the bad news is i ve developed a crush on my friend joseph which is not good..he's in love with his girlfriend i mean im not liking him to wear i want him to breakup with his girlfriend i just like him alot..*sighs* but at this moment im tired of dating:p *shocker* i know but im just tired of gettin hurt and gettin screwed over ti'll i just don't want to date anymore...it sucks i wish i had the freedom to go out and find someone like get a chance to go to the park or sumthing i don't really have a crush on anyone besides joseph rite now...ehh my mood feels sad idk why im havin these mood swings..one minute im happy that pats gone and the next i really want him back:( ugh! i hate this i really wish i never went out with him..but he did teach my a lesson to watch my back and to listen to what other people say about a person.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:2215 2008-12-03T00:25:44Z 2008-12-03T00:25:44Z ahh..i can't go a day without wrting anymore lol i need to vent!!! well, i haven't heard from patrick in like all day..which it does bother because the thought of him calling tori back before me just bugs me but like joe said he always calls numbers back that he dosen't know:( ehh..im tryin not to worry about it too much but today at school was horrible lewis tryed to give me a dose of reality by tellin me that its over move on..but something is still keeping me here waiting.i just don't get how one day im over him and the next im not and today at school was the worst..i can barley go out into the gym alone anymore cause i just miss him being there.2-morrow he's coming back from camden (big whoop) he'll be all over katie:( in a heartbeat and i'll be alone..im so screwed up right now i can't even date anyone because of patrick..ugh i just wish these feelings would go away! and whats worse im starting to like joseph:\ and thats not good cause he has a girlfriend:( but im not fallin for him i just love his hugs..hehe..he makes me feel better he's like my medicine lol urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:2027 2008-12-01T01:56:43Z 2008-12-01T01:56:43Z i think it might be ok now..he finally started talking to me and i found out that he's in camden and won't be back ti'll wensday:) maybe i'll get to talk to him this week..i wonder if he has been talking to katie ugh! i dnt like her she's a dirty whore! he dosen't need her..but of course i don't need him:( but where can i find better? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:1680 2008-12-01T01:26:38Z 2008-12-01T01:26:38Z ok,i told him how i felt..well not all of it..and now i feel horrible he thought it was cool..he dosen't love me i know he dosen't my friend says im stupid for thinking he dosen't..following two people at once is hard...one person tells u one thing and the other one says another thing:( when will this end..i want somebody i can love and that will love me back!!! i just hope he din't telll katie about what i told him..she'll be mad at me and so will everyone else..did i make a huge mistake i think i did:[ urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:1359 2008-11-30T19:25:03Z 2008-11-30T19:25:03Z losing grip by avril lavign well, i haven't really heard from him today...i texted him earlier but he is supposed to text me back..ehh im not gonna count my blessings he'll probably be with her today when he gets home from camden. boy i really wish i could talk to him but he hasn't called..and i probably won't hear from him for a while:( oh well nobody said this thing was gonna be easy..and to top it all off i have no'one to lean on i have to do this on my own which is the worst part..but at least i don't have to see pat and katie together..*sighs*..we will just have to see what the rest of the day brings. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:gloomyxbear:1170 2008-11-30T19:19:55Z 2008-11-30T19:19:55Z im with you by avril lavign yea,never thought i would end up like this...maybe you have changed for the better or her...you were the best thing that ever happened to me but at the same time the worst..ive never felt this much pain in my life. were you my eyes? to help me see that there is something better? why are you here?...why can't you be better with me? you had your chance but its gone away..and now your with her..happy snuggeling up to her in the cold weather giving her sweet kisses..the things i truly miss but they will never come back.i just want you to know i might never stop loving you even if you never come back to me..i will always love you.my tears will slowly fall from my eyes and hit the ground but i will be happy if i just know that your happy..